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Speaker 1: Today, we're going to be talking about the truth about boundaries. Do you struggle to set boundaries with your kids, your husband, your loved ones, with friends, with neighbors? Is it something that you struggle with and it's constantly feeling like you're overwhelmed and just burn out. If so, then today's topic is for you. You might be hearing my daughter's home. She's having a mental health day. I let her little sister have one a few weeks ago. Just to be fair, she wanted to have one. So I let her take it today while I'm home. So she's going to be moving back and forth. She's moving furniture. But if you're struggling with setting boundaries, then today is a great Facebook Live or a great episode for you to show up on and listen to because we're going to be diving into some of the myths around boundaries. And these myths may be preventing you from being able to set appropriate boundaries with those you love. We'll be debunking the common myths about boundaries and sharing the truth about setting some healthy ones. So before we dive into that, let's just set the ground about what a boundary is because that word is thrown around a lot.
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Speaker 1: I know for years I didn't even know what that was. I didn't really understand what a boundary was. I believed some of these myths that I'm about to share with you today, when I started understanding what it was, it was a scary word. It went against like, I can't be a good mom if I'm setting these boundaries. But as I came to learn more about it and being on my own journey, I recognize that boundaries are super important and these myths were blown out of the water. A boundary is simply a guideline that you establish for yourself and others to create a sense of safety, respect and balance in your life. Yes, I was reading that. I wanted to make sure that I described that correctly. It's very essential for mothers to maintain their wellbeing and mental health. When you do not have healthy boundaries, you are faced with feeling like you're burnout, like you're overwhelmed, like you're doormat. There's certain types of boundaries. There's rigid boundaries where you don't let anyone in. You've got this wall up and you refuse to let other people in. There's also fluid boundaries where you let in. They change, regardless.
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Speaker 1: Or you can have poor... Not regardless, they change regardless. Depending on who you're with and who you're talking with and all of that. Then there's porous boundaries, which you let anyone in. And that's the type of boundaries that can really have a huge risk on feeling like you are doormat because you struggle to say no. You struggle to keep that line clear and concise, and it can really affect your daily functioning. The other one, the rigid boundaries, that's where you're going to feel like, I'm all alone. I've got this. I don't need anybody's help. That's those rigid boundaries. We really need to find that in between balance of what boundaries are appropriate for you. And they change from person to person because for most of us, we are holding certain boundaries for those that we love, like people in our family versus strangers on the street. We do have those boundaries. And my goal of today is to help you look more objectively at the boundaries you hold and see if they are serving you. Oh, Holly, yes, I will. I'm sorry. It's $27 to join the VIP. Sorry. I'll comment below after I get done the video, but it's $27 to join the VIP, which is five days of coaching, plus that ticket to the master class, plus all that you get with the challenge.
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Speaker 1: So it really is like a no brainer. You can't get much for 27 bucks these days. And with that, you get all of the things that I just mentioned. So that's what a boundary is. It's simply a guideline that you establish. You teach others how to treat you by the boundaries you set. So it's meant to provide safety, respect, and create balance in your life. Are you okay? Yeah. Can I please just go with white confidence? Well, I have to get laundry insurance. And then you can, okay? Because you can't just leave to it the laundry insurance. Okay. All right. Myth number 1, setting boundaries is selfish. This is false and this can quickly lead to burnout. If you believe that setting boundaries is selfish, it's a quick road to burnout. Trust me, I have done this. Like I mentioned earlier, I did not hold boundaries. I didn't even know really what that was. And I felt like if I was to put limits on, if I was to put a line around me, then that was going to really negatively affect my relationships. But I learned that it actually does the opposite. And when you set boundaries, it is one of the most loving things that you can do.
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Speaker 1: So it s definitely not selfish. So for example, I set boundaries around when I'm working, even though my kid just came. It's funny that I'm using this example on the same day that my daughter just asked me a question in the middle of doing Facebook live. But I sit limits around when I'm working, when I'm going to take calls, when I'm going to check email, those kinds of things so that when I am with my family, say for dinner, we have a rule, no telephones at the table, and we really protect that time at the table that we're not doing other things. T hat way, we can give all of our attention to our kids and to our family and interacting and conversation. T hat is a boundary that we set. So you may have set some boundaries in your life and not really known that they were called boundaries or not really seen that that was serving you. But there are things that you're doing right now that are protecting your boundaries or protecting your space. So what boundaries? What have you found, Holly, since you're watching live? Let me know in the comments. Do you believe that the setting boundaries is selfish, or is this something like that you have come...
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Speaker 1: Because I know we've done a lot of work on boundaries. How have you found... I guess this is the question I want to ask. How have you found that boundaries are not selfish? How have you found that boundaries actually help to improve your relationships? Let me know in the comments if you're still watching live. I always feel like I have to refresh my... Hey, Gwen. Good morning. So myth number two is setting boundaries means that you don't love your children. This is similar to that first one. But again, I thought that if I was to put these boundaries in place, that it was doing a disservice to my kids. And I learned, of course, that this myth is false. It can lead to a lot of guilt and shame if you believe that it means anything but. If you believe that boundaries mean that you don't love your kids or your family, it can lead to a lot of guilt and shame. But instead, in fact, it teaches your kids about respect, responsibility, and self care. You're also modeling healthy behaviors for them so that they can develop their own boundaries in the future. They can feel okay with telling people no.
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Speaker 1: They can feel okay with protecting their own time and space. Because if we're continually letting them in, continually being treated like that doormat, then it's not modeling for them their own abilities, not teaching them that it's okay to say no, it's okay to tell people not this time. Here's an example. If you set a boundary, if you set an expectation that you're not going to tolerate disrespectful behavior, you're teaching them that their actions have consequences and that they should treat others with kindness and respect. It doesn't only benefit you from having children that are respectful, it also benefits them in the long run. There's lots of examples where setting boundaries is a way of showing love. It's a way of showing your children that you love, you respect them, you want the best for them. Yes, setting boundaries has helped me give me peace. In fact, this is funny. So for our first book, so I'm going to share more about this towards the end, but I'm doing a summer book club, and you can read the book, you can do it on audio if you just can't figure out how to make time to read the book.
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Speaker 1: But after you do my challenge next week, you'll have some time. But if you'd rather do audio, whatever. But this is our first book and it might be backwards, I'm not sure, but it's set boundaries to find peace, a guide to reclaiming yourself. This is a great book. I actually already read it. I'm reading it again and this time I'm taking notes since we're going to be discussing it in the book club. But it's our first meeting. Now, if you've been in the group for a while, you know that I've been doing the book club. But for the summer, I'm doing it differently because I'm doing it more of a membership style. It's 20 bucks to join. It's for all three books and you get that discussion. If there's enough of us, I'm going to do a little community chat in between. But for the summer, I already chose the three books, so we know which week we're meeting. It's going to be Thursday mornings, 11 AM Mountain Time, 1 PM Eastern Time. Our first meeting will be that week of June fifth. What is that? June eighth will be our first virtual meeting. This is the book.
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Speaker 1: Even if you don't read the book, you come to the discussion and you will get so much out of it. But it's funny that you mentioned that, Beth, because set boundaries, find peace. And you found that boundaries have actually given you peace, which is awesome. I don't know why I called you Beth. For some reason, I had that in my mind. All right, Gwen. Our third myth is setting boundaries is easy. It's not. It is not easy. One, because we have these beliefs, right? We have these beliefs, like what I'm talking about today, that are swirling around in our head, making us feel bad about setting boundaries. So it isn't easy. Even when you've worked through these beliefs, even when you recognize that setting boundaries is not selfish. It's the best thing you can do for your relationships. It is still not an easy thing to do. It can be challenging. But luckily, we've got this group, which I've talked, I've done episodes before Facebook lives about it. You've got lots of information about boundaries. There's also lots of resources out there, including the book that we're going to be reading in book club, all about boundaries and can offer you tips and strategies.
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Speaker 1: And the more you do it, the easier it does become. I can promise you that. But you've got to understand yourself and you've got to know what your limits are because boundaries are different for everybody, and it's what you are comfortable with. You may not be comfortable with telling somebody no right now, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. It is so important to be clear and consistent with your boundaries when you are setting and maintaining boundaries. Clear is kind. The clearer you are, the better it is that the other person can understand what your limits are, and then they can respond accordingly. They can adjust. That's another thing. When you start setting boundaries, you're going to have push back. People around you are used to you being a certain way. When you start making changes with anything, there's going to be pushbacks because people are going to question, What the heck is happening? Why are you telling me no? Why are you doing this? Why can't we have our phones at the table? There's going to be questions and there's going to be pushbacks, but that's why it's important to you to feel comfortable and explore your why.
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Speaker 1: Why am I setting this? And understand, these myths are false. It's not being selfish. You're doing well. It can be difficult, especially if you're used to putting other people's needs in front of yours. It takes practice and self awareness to identify your boundaries and to communicate them effectively. Let me just check my comments. Today we talked about three different myths. We talked about setting boundaries is selfish, false. Setting boundaries means you don't love your family, false. And third, setting boundaries is easy, false. All three of those are myths. I've explained in this video or in this episode, if you're listening to us through the Mons in Fat Caves podcast, they are not true. But you need to understand what boundaries are and how you can set them. It takes self awareness and it takes practice to make boundaries effective. I encourage you to set some healthy boundaries. Take a look at what boundaries exist already and see if they're more on the rigid side, if they're more on the poor side, and decide how you want to adjust them to be better serving to you. By setting boundaries, you're taking care of yourself and you're teaching others how to treat you with respect and consideration.
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Speaker 1: I've got two calls to actions for you today. Two things that I want you to do. First, let me know what your biggest takeaway is. That's not a call to action, but I do want to know if you're watching replay, do #replay of this. Then let me know any questions you have. Join the conversation and let me know what your biggest takeaway is from this video. Two calls to action. One is get signed up for our book club. First book is find boundaries, set peace. If you're struggling with this, you see Gwen has already... We've been working on boundaries as I've been working with boundaries about boundaries with Holly as well. So if you have any questions, please let me know. But momswiththatcape. Com book club, I will go ahead and throw that link in the comments of today's video and in the show notes. So go sign up for that. And then the second call to action is sign up for our challenge. It is a free challenge. It's happening all next week right here in the Facebook group. Again, there's that VIP option where you get the ticket to the Master class as well as the daily one on one coaching.
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Speaker 1: You get to come into the Zoom room with me, the VIP room, and get coaching in real time as we work through the challenge. And then you also get that discount off of the super mom detox. So if you're interested in hiring me as a coach, which I do one on one, I have the super mom detox where we work on boundaries and we work on habit building and perfectionism and people pleasing and procrastination and imposter syndrome and all of the things that stop you from being able to know who you are beyond your role of mom and wife. So if you are feeling lost under your mom hat, definitely book a call with me and find out more about the super mom detox.
