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I wanted to share with you today about
asking yourself, what do I need?
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This is something that us
moms usually don't do.
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We're usually barreling through the day
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making sure we're taking care
of everyone else's needs.
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And rarely do we stop to ask
ourselves, what do I need?
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And then we end up feeling just completely
depleted and just at the end of our rope,
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not knowing what it is that we even need
and just feeling like we're burnt out.
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And so today I wanted to dive deeper into
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this topic because I think that
it's something super important.
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And often we don't ask
ourselves this exact question.
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So the reason I'm doing this episode is
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because this past weekend I attended a
it was a group.
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It was for my church.
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It's called Tea Groups, which
is like a transformation group.
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That's what the T stands for.
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And it was all about, well, it's a nine
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month thing, and we'll be going
from September through May.
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It's once a month, and we have homework
that we have to do in between.
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Our homework is very personal, right?
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We had to pick things that
are going to be personal.
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We had to pick some stretch goals.
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This past Saturday, we
had to walk through.
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We had to do a life walk.
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And it was very scary.
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I actually wasn't really scared
for it until it started.
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And then I was like, probably the 6th
person that went well, I was probably the
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fifth because I think there's
seven of us in our group.
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But I was like, well, I got to
share about my life, right?
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But as it went on, I kind of just felt,
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you know, I struggle with vulnerability,
and I felt like,
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am I really able to share with this whole
group of people, virtually strangers?
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Because I had never met I knew one woman
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before, but I really didn't
know any of the other people.
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And so the whole purpose of the thing was
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to help us feel closer to one
another and get what we needed.
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And in the very beginning of going into
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it, we had to write on
this chart our name.
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What else did we write?
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We had to write our name.
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We had to write
I forget, there was something else.
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And then we had to write what we needed.
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It'll come to me what else we
had to write on this list.
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And it was just, oh, I know what we
were feeling, what we were feeling.
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And I felt excited all week.
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I actually had butterflies in my stomach,
and I had a few different new events going
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on, different things that
were just new to me.
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So I was like just kept dismissing
it as, like, these butterflies.
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But then as those things passed,
I was like, I still feel it.
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And then I realized that it was actually
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for this whole group because it
was going to be a huge deep dive.
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It's for personal growth and all of that
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good stuff, but I just felt like
there's like these knots in my belly.
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But I know physiologically, the excitement
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and nervous has the
same physical reaction.
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And so I was like, just like, I'm excited.
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Like, I kept reframing it that way, but I
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think when we started the exercise, I
realized that it actually was just like, I
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was a bundle of nerves just because it
was such a huge step in vulnerability.
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And I'm on the other side, right?
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I'm always like the listener and
the affirmer and the validator.
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I am not comfortable in that
position of sharing my story.
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And so it put me in a different
position than I usually am.
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So we had to put what we felt.
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So I put excited and then what we needed.
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And I looked down the list, and some
people had written Sleep, rest.
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One person after me put God.
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And I was just like, what do I need?
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And then I found this list which
I'm going to share with you today.
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And I was like, this is
what I needed, right?
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I looked in the list and I
was like, I need acceptance.
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I need to know that in this room when I
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share my story, that you will accept
me, that I will feel accepted.
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And so that was what I wrote
down, that I needed acceptance.
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And then I was like, I'm going to bring
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this list to my group, to all of you
in my community, all of the moms.
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Because when we actually do turn inward
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and ask ourselves what we need, these are
the kinds of words that we're looking for.
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These are the kinds of things that are
going to help us feel whole again and feel
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like we're not running around
with our head off, right?
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Like a chicken with our head off,
or whatever that expression is.
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I took a picture of it because I'm like, I
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don't feel like bringing
my big binder today.
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So let me pull this up.
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So the first one is acceptance, right?
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Which is what I shared that I needed
to feel that I can bear my soul.
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Let's just say that and still feel
accepted, still feel that sense of
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belonging and that I am accepted
and not rejected, right?
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That would be the opposite.
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And that's a fear that I
hold of feeling rejected.
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And so I need to feel accepted.
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Another one is attunement.
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Let me know, you know, how
I'm feeling in the moment.
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So there's all different ways, and I'm not
going to get into it today, but ways that
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we can accept ourselves and sit with our
feelings and give ourselves these needs.
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Often, though, it may mean that you need
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to be in that engaged relationship, right,
where you can identify what it is that you
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need and then ask another person who is
safe person, which I'm also learning about
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is safe people
to provide these needs for you.
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But you can't expect somebody else to
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provide these needs for you if you don't
even know what it is that you need, right?
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And that's where a lot of resentment and
anger comes up from, is when you're
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expecting somebody else, where our
reality doesn't match our expectations.
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The next one is validation.
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Let me know my feelings are significant
and not to be dismissed or minimized.
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The next one is identification.
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Share your own similar experience to help
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me see that I'm not the
only one who is struggling.
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This is huge in Motherhood where we feel
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like we are alone, that we feel like we're
the only one that is struggling with this.
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And it is so
game changing when we recognize or we
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realize that we're not alone in this, that
when somebody else identifies with the
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problem we're facing or the
struggles we're facing.
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The next one is containment.
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Let me vent and just have the
feelings without fixing me.
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This is something that
I need a lot, especially in my
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conversations with my husband,
because he is a fixer.
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He wants to jump in and provide solutions.
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And a lot of times I'm
like, I just want to talk.
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And a lot of times that comes out, which
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is, I mean, Saturday night I came home
from this thing and I was just a mess.
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It was very emotionally draining.
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I don't want to cry now, just talking
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about it, but it was very
emotionally draining.
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And I came home and I started doing the
garage, just cleaning out the garage.
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I had this pent up energy in me.
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And Jason, he could tell
something was wrong.
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And later on I was like, can I just talk?
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Can you just listen?
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I just need you to listen.
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I don't need you to jump in.
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I feel like I just need to talk.
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And of course, as it always
does, I start crying.
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I struggle so hard with this, being able
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to talk without crying or share
my emotions without crying.
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So I started bawling.
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And I felt like 15 minutes later, I said
everything I said, I shared about my
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experience in the Tea Group that day and
just all of the things that it brought up
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in me, things that I realized, things that
I just need to work past, right?
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And I just let it word
vomit just all come up.
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And he didn't say anything.
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And I just felt like this release,
like I felt like I could breathe.
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And I felt in that moment that he was like
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my feelings were contained and
that was exactly what I needed.
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And comfort be present with me
when I have to grieve a loss.
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Now, this isn't just a loss of death or
death, but like a loss of anything, right?
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Like a loss of a relationship, a loss of
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something that I expected, like a loss
of an expectation or a dream or a goal.
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I have these are other kinds of
losses, not necessarily a death.
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All right, let me get to the
next one is affirmation.
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Note that something good
that requires effort.
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So note something good.
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So like when you're talking when I'm
talking, I need that affirmation.
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I need somebody to point out that positive
things that I did like good work, right?
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And affirm my choices and my actions.
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Encouragement encourage, convey that
you believe in me to continue on.
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Respect, show value to me when I don't
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experience it, when I feel like
what I'm doing is of no value.
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I need that respect, that I am valuable
and that what I do is valuable.
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Hope.
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Give reality based feedback
about a positive future outcome.
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We need to feel hope, right?
Hope.
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Feeling hopeful is everything.
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Especially when you feel so down and
out and you feel so discouraged.
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To have hope of what's on the other side
or the light at the end of the tunnel.
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It's super important to keep us going.
Forgiveness.
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Let me know when my debt is canceled
and help me cancel debts owed to me.
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So this might be being able to forgive
yourself, being able to forgive others.
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Because when we are unable to forgive we
carry such a heavy burden and so it really
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does lighten us to be able to forgive
ourselves and others and then celebrate.
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Acknowledge the success
of my life with me.
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Sometimes you just need someone to
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celebrate with you, to celebrate the good
times, celebrate a job well done,
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celebrate the minute
moments of motherhood.
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But again, all of these you have to
stop and ask yourself what do I need?
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And then asking someone to help you
to provide these things for you.
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The next one is clarification.
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Ask me a few questions to help me
get to the real issue and solutions.
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Sometimes we can't figure it out
what exactly is happening.
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Now this tea group is a faith based group
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that I'm in and so one of the things we
talked about was
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the tree of well it wasn't really the tree
of good and evil or tree of knowledge.
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He talked about that parable where the
tree is the guy wants to cut it down
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because it hasn't beared
fruit in three years.
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And the gardener says I'm going to dig
a hole and I'm going to fertilize it.
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Right?
And it's all about the fruit being our
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behaviors and our habits
and the things that we do.
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That's the fruit.
That's what people see.
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That's what we see.
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But we really need to get to the source.
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We really need to nurture and
cultivate the source of the fruit.
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Because if that's not good, then our fruit
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we're going to continually to
harvest bad fruits, right?
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So back to this clarification.
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Help me get to that real issue.
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Help me get to the source so then
I can change that perspective.
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Help me connect the
dots at a deeper level.
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Sometimes we need somebody else's
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perspective to help us see
the situation differently.
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Insight.
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Let me know you comprehend
my situation, right?
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Sometimes we can feel like we're crazy.
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We can feel like, what the heck?
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Why am I going through this?
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And sometimes we need that
different perspective.
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Or we need somebody to provide
insight or to provide clarity for us.
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Feedback.
Tell me how you are experiencing me in the
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moment so that I can be
aware of how I come across.
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And then finally, confrontation point out
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something I'm doing that is setting
me back so that I can stop doing it.
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This is hard for many of us, right?
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Where it's hard to confront people who we
may see something that they're not seeing,
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but also it's hard to be confronted,
to be pointed out like something.
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And not everything you take to harp, but
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some things, if it keeps coming up, it may
be something that you may want to change.
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But again, awareness is key.
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And so you need to know what
it is in order to change it.
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Now, I said finally, but it has different
well, it says Q One, q Two.
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So that was the last one for Q Three.
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So finally, q four.
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There's a couple of needs under this one.
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Advice recommend some constructive action
to help me change and improve, to take
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action, to move towards, to make
progress in your life structure.
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Provide me with a framework
to accomplish something.
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Sometimes we can't see that
we're so close to the problem.
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We can't see that bigger picture.
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And so we may need somebody else to point
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that out and provide
that framework for us.
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Challenge.
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Move me beyond my comfort
zone to higher levels.
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Nothing grows in a comfort zone.
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And so we need that challenge.
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Look, it says it on my cup.
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And I don't know if this
is backwards or what.
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If it doesn't challenge
you, it won't change you.
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I think it might be backwards
too, but it may not be.
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But it's true, right?
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In order to change, we
need to be challenged.
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If you're comfortable, then you're going
to just stay comfortable and not change.
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And that's kind of sad.
We want to change.
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We want to be getting better.
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We only have one life.
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We want to become the best
person that we can become.
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Development.
Help me with an approach to significantly
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change over or to significant
change over time.
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So again, you may need that help.
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Help me develop something.
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Help me figure out how to do this,
how to change and then service.
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Help me serve and give back
to others I have received.
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We can't do this alone.
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We need a team, right?
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I've talked about this before.
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When there's a lot of women,
or even a lot of men too.
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Mostly women, though.
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Let's be real here that are on
very similar missions with me.
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Like, we are out to change the world.
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We're out to change the narrative.
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Of motherhood.
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And every time I see that,
I do not feel threatened.
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I feel like, heck yeah.
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Because one person is not going to
make the change that we all want.
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We have to all be working together in
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order to change the narrative of
motherhood, to get away from the super mom
00:15:41:89 00:15:45:74
syndrome, the sacrifice mentality,
to recognize our worth.
00:15:45:77 00:15:48:10
And we can't do it alone.
00:15:48:13 00:15:51:78
So help me serve.
00:15:51:81 00:15:53:22
Help me change the world.
00:15:53:25 00:15:56:10
Help me help others by spreading the
00:15:56:13 00:16:01:50
message, by listening, helping other
moms see that they are not alone.
00:16:01:53 00:16:05:78
Changing this whole
motherhood journey, right?
00:16:05:81 00:16:08:46
So that is all I have for you today.
00:16:08:48 00:16:10:94
I was really excited, like
I said, when I saw this.
00:16:10:96 00:16:13:00
And I'm like, I need to share this with my
00:16:13:30 00:16:16:60
mom's back Apes community,
because this is important.
00:16:16:80 00:16:19:78
And I'm always talking about you
have to ask yourself what you need?
00:16:19:80 00:16:23:26
What you need, right?
It's not, I need a cup of tea.
00:16:23:28 00:16:25:98
Right?
It's not I need a bubble bath.
00:16:26:10 00:16:31:62
But really asking yourself to get to that
source, what do I actually need right now?
00:16:31:65 00:16:33:98
And then giving yourself that asking.
00:16:34:10 00:16:35:86
Leaning in on your support system,
00:16:35:89 00:16:38:38
building a support system
if you don't have one.
00:16:38:40 00:16:42:20
Doing what it takes to give yourself what
you need, because you can't expect others
00:16:42:50 00:16:46:18
to do that if you don't know
what it is that you need.
00:16:46:21 00:16:51:60
So stop living on autopilot and ask
yourself, what do I need today?
00:16:51:80 00:16:52:18
All right, that's it.
00:16:52:21 00:16:57:66
I want to thank you for joining me today,
and I hope that you continue to get to
00:16:57:69 00:17:00:14
know yourself, love
yourself and be yourself.
00:17:00:16 00:17:00:72
Take care, everyone.
