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I wanted to share with you today about
asking yourself, what do I need?
This is something that us
moms usually don't do.
We're usually barreling through the day
making sure we're taking care
of everyone else's needs.
And rarely do we stop to ask
ourselves, what do I need?
And then we end up feeling just completely
depleted and just at the end of our rope,
not knowing what it is that we even need
and just feeling like we're burnt out.
And so today I wanted to dive deeper into
this topic because I think that
it's something super important.
And often we don't ask
ourselves this exact question.
So the reason I'm doing this episode is
because this past weekend I attended a
it was a group.
It was for my church.
It's called Tea Groups, which
is like a transformation group.
That's what the T stands for.
And it was all about, well, it's a nine
month thing, and we'll be going
from September through May.
It's once a month, and we have homework
that we have to do in between.
Our homework is very personal, right?
We had to pick things that
are going to be personal.
We had to pick some stretch goals.
This past Saturday, we
had to walk through.
We had to do a life walk.
And it was very scary.
I actually wasn't really scared
for it until it started.
And then I was like, probably the 6th
person that went well, I was probably the
fifth because I think there's
seven of us in our group.
But I was like, well, I got to
share about my life, right?
But as it went on, I kind of just felt,
you know, I struggle with vulnerability,
and I felt like,
am I really able to share with this whole
group of people, virtually strangers?
Because I had never met I knew one woman
before, but I really didn't
know any of the other people.
And so the whole purpose of the thing was
to help us feel closer to one
another and get what we needed.
And in the very beginning of going into
it, we had to write on
this chart our name.
What else did we write?
We had to write our name.
We had to write
I forget, there was something else.
And then we had to write what we needed.
It'll come to me what else we
had to write on this list.
And it was just, oh, I know what we
were feeling, what we were feeling.
And I felt excited all week.
I actually had butterflies in my stomach,
and I had a few different new events going
on, different things that
were just new to me.
So I was like just kept dismissing
it as, like, these butterflies.
But then as those things passed,
I was like, I still feel it.
And then I realized that it was actually
for this whole group because it
was going to be a huge deep dive.
It's for personal growth and all of that
good stuff, but I just felt like
there's like these knots in my belly.
But I know physiologically, the excitement
and nervous has the
same physical reaction.
And so I was like, just like, I'm excited.
Like, I kept reframing it that way, but I
think when we started the exercise, I
realized that it actually was just like, I
was a bundle of nerves just because it
was such a huge step in vulnerability.
And I'm on the other side, right?
I'm always like the listener and
the affirmer and the validator.
I am not comfortable in that
position of sharing my story.
And so it put me in a different
position than I usually am.
So we had to put what we felt.
So I put excited and then what we needed.
And I looked down the list, and some
people had written Sleep, rest.
One person after me put God.
And I was just like, what do I need?
And then I found this list which
I'm going to share with you today.
And I was like, this is
what I needed, right?
I looked in the list and I
was like, I need acceptance.
I need to know that in this room when I
share my story, that you will accept
me, that I will feel accepted.
And so that was what I wrote
down, that I needed acceptance.
And then I was like, I'm going to bring
this list to my group, to all of you
in my community, all of the moms.
Because when we actually do turn inward
and ask ourselves what we need, these are
the kinds of words that we're looking for.
These are the kinds of things that are
going to help us feel whole again and feel
like we're not running around
with our head off, right?
Like a chicken with our head off,
or whatever that expression is.
I took a picture of it because I'm like, I
don't feel like bringing
my big binder today.
So let me pull this up.
So the first one is acceptance, right?
Which is what I shared that I needed
to feel that I can bear my soul.
Let's just say that and still feel
accepted, still feel that sense of
belonging and that I am accepted
and not rejected, right?
That would be the opposite.
And that's a fear that I
hold of feeling rejected.
And so I need to feel accepted.
Another one is attunement.
Let me know, you know, how
I'm feeling in the moment.
So there's all different ways, and I'm not
going to get into it today, but ways that
we can accept ourselves and sit with our
feelings and give ourselves these needs.
Often, though, it may mean that you need
to be in that engaged relationship, right,
where you can identify what it is that you
need and then ask another person who is
safe person, which I'm also learning about
is safe people
to provide these needs for you.
But you can't expect somebody else to
provide these needs for you if you don't
even know what it is that you need, right?
And that's where a lot of resentment and
anger comes up from, is when you're
expecting somebody else, where our
reality doesn't match our expectations.
The next one is validation.
Let me know my feelings are significant
and not to be dismissed or minimized.
The next one is identification.
Share your own similar experience to help
me see that I'm not the
only one who is struggling.
This is huge in Motherhood where we feel
like we are alone, that we feel like we're
the only one that is struggling with this.
And it is so
game changing when we recognize or we
realize that we're not alone in this, that
when somebody else identifies with the
problem we're facing or the
struggles we're facing.
The next one is containment.
Let me vent and just have the
feelings without fixing me.
This is something that
I need a lot, especially in my
conversations with my husband,
because he is a fixer.
He wants to jump in and provide solutions.
And a lot of times I'm
like, I just want to talk.
And a lot of times that comes out, which
is, I mean, Saturday night I came home
from this thing and I was just a mess.
It was very emotionally draining.
I don't want to cry now, just talking
about it, but it was very
And I came home and I started doing the
garage, just cleaning out the garage.
I had this pent up energy in me.
And Jason, he could tell
something was wrong.
And later on I was like, can I just talk?
Can you just listen?
I just need you to listen.
I don't need you to jump in.
I feel like I just need to talk.
And of course, as it always
does, I start crying.
I struggle so hard with this, being able
to talk without crying or share
my emotions without crying.
So I started bawling.
And I felt like 15 minutes later, I said
everything I said, I shared about my
experience in the Tea Group that day and
just all of the things that it brought up
in me, things that I realized, things that
I just need to work past, right?
And I just let it word
vomit just all come up.
And he didn't say anything.
And I just felt like this release,
like I felt like I could breathe.
And I felt in that moment that he was like
my feelings were contained and
that was exactly what I needed.
And comfort be present with me
when I have to grieve a loss.
Now, this isn't just a loss of death or
death, but like a loss of anything, right?
Like a loss of a relationship, a loss of
something that I expected, like a loss
of an expectation or a dream or a goal.
I have these are other kinds of
losses, not necessarily a death.
All right, let me get to the
next one is affirmation.
Note that something good
that requires effort.
So note something good.
So like when you're talking when I'm
talking, I need that affirmation.
I need somebody to point out that positive
things that I did like good work, right?
And affirm my choices and my actions.
Encouragement encourage, convey that
you believe in me to continue on.
Respect, show value to me when I don't
experience it, when I feel like
what I'm doing is of no value.
I need that respect, that I am valuable
and that what I do is valuable.
Give reality based feedback
about a positive future outcome.
We need to feel hope, right?
Feeling hopeful is everything.
Especially when you feel so down and
out and you feel so discouraged.
To have hope of what's on the other side
or the light at the end of the tunnel.
It's super important to keep us going.
Let me know when my debt is canceled
and help me cancel debts owed to me.
So this might be being able to forgive
yourself, being able to forgive others.
Because when we are unable to forgive we
carry such a heavy burden and so it really
does lighten us to be able to forgive
ourselves and others and then celebrate.
Acknowledge the success
of my life with me.
Sometimes you just need someone to
celebrate with you, to celebrate the good
times, celebrate a job well done,
celebrate the minute
moments of motherhood.
But again, all of these you have to
stop and ask yourself what do I need?
And then asking someone to help you
to provide these things for you.
The next one is clarification.
Ask me a few questions to help me
get to the real issue and solutions.
Sometimes we can't figure it out
what exactly is happening.
Now this tea group is a faith based group
that I'm in and so one of the things we
talked about was
the tree of well it wasn't really the tree
of good and evil or tree of knowledge.
He talked about that parable where the
tree is the guy wants to cut it down
because it hasn't beared
fruit in three years.
And the gardener says I'm going to dig
a hole and I'm going to fertilize it.
And it's all about the fruit being our
behaviors and our habits
and the things that we do.
That's the fruit.
That's what people see.
That's what we see.
But we really need to get to the source.
We really need to nurture and
cultivate the source of the fruit.
Because if that's not good, then our fruit
we're going to continually to
harvest bad fruits, right?
So back to this clarification.
Help me get to that real issue.
Help me get to the source so then
I can change that perspective.
Help me connect the
dots at a deeper level.
Sometimes we need somebody else's
perspective to help us see
the situation differently.
Let me know you comprehend
my situation, right?
Sometimes we can feel like we're crazy.
We can feel like, what the heck?
Why am I going through this?
And sometimes we need that
Or we need somebody to provide
insight or to provide clarity for us.
Tell me how you are experiencing me in the
moment so that I can be
aware of how I come across.
And then finally, confrontation point out
something I'm doing that is setting
me back so that I can stop doing it.
This is hard for many of us, right?
Where it's hard to confront people who we
may see something that they're not seeing,
but also it's hard to be confronted,
to be pointed out like something.
And not everything you take to harp, but
some things, if it keeps coming up, it may
be something that you may want to change.
But again, awareness is key.
And so you need to know what
it is in order to change it.
Now, I said finally, but it has different
well, it says Q One, q Two.
So that was the last one for Q Three.
So finally, q four.
There's a couple of needs under this one.
Advice recommend some constructive action
to help me change and improve, to take
action, to move towards, to make
progress in your life structure.
Provide me with a framework
to accomplish something.
Sometimes we can't see that
we're so close to the problem.
We can't see that bigger picture.
And so we may need somebody else to point
that out and provide
that framework for us.
Move me beyond my comfort
zone to higher levels.
Nothing grows in a comfort zone.
And so we need that challenge.
Look, it says it on my cup.
And I don't know if this
is backwards or what.
If it doesn't challenge
you, it won't change you.
I think it might be backwards
too, but it may not be.
But it's true, right?
In order to change, we
need to be challenged.
If you're comfortable, then you're going
to just stay comfortable and not change.
And that's kind of sad.
We want to change.
We want to be getting better.
We only have one life.
We want to become the best
person that we can become.
Help me with an approach to significantly
change over or to significant
change over time.
So again, you may need that help.
Help me develop something.
Help me figure out how to do this,
how to change and then service.
Help me serve and give back
to others I have received.
We can't do this alone.
We need a team, right?
I've talked about this before.
When there's a lot of women,
or even a lot of men too.
Mostly women, though.
Let's be real here that are on
very similar missions with me.
Like, we are out to change the world.
We're out to change the narrative.
And every time I see that,
I do not feel threatened.
I feel like, heck yeah.
Because one person is not going to
make the change that we all want.
We have to all be working together in
order to change the narrative of
motherhood, to get away from the super mom
syndrome, the sacrifice mentality,
to recognize our worth.
And we can't do it alone.
So help me serve.
Help me change the world.
Help me help others by spreading the
message, by listening, helping other
moms see that they are not alone.
Changing this whole
motherhood journey, right?
So that is all I have for you today.
I was really excited, like
I said, when I saw this.
And I'm like, I need to share this with my
mom's back Apes community,
because this is important.
And I'm always talking about you
have to ask yourself what you need?
What you need, right?
It's not, I need a cup of tea.
It's not I need a bubble bath.
But really asking yourself to get to that
source, what do I actually need right now?
And then giving yourself that asking.
Leaning in on your support system,
building a support system
if you don't have one.
Doing what it takes to give yourself what
you need, because you can't expect others
to do that if you don't know
what it is that you need.
So stop living on autopilot and ask
yourself, what do I need today?
All right, that's it.
I want to thank you for joining me today,
and I hope that you continue to get to
know yourself, love
yourself and be yourself.
Take care, everyone.