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When someone asks you to do something, do you say yes. When you really want to say no? Are there things on your to-do list that you regret saying yes to, have you ever felt resentful doing something for someone because you really just didn't have the time or the energy for it? Yes. Then you'll want to tune into this episode where we'll be diving into why we so easily put others' needs above our own. Welcome to moms Without capes, the podcast where you'll get practical strategies. For reclaiming your sense of identity within motherhood, I'm Onnie Michalsky.
And my goal is to help you prioritize your needs and carve out space for yourself so that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom. As a mom who wanted to go to a Zumba class, but for the longest time, just couldn't figure out how to get past the piles of dishes and the loads of laundry to do something that didn't revolve around my family.
I'm here to tell you that I figured it out. We moms need to get ourselves on our to-do list and we need to do things that we [00:01:00] enjoy and that are good for us. I discovered that this is actually the key to not losing ourselves in motherhood. Over the years of raising half a dozen kiddos. I have learned how to confidently hang up my supermom Cape, and now I want to help you do the same. Now this episode today, it's a popular one.
And I know that you're going to find it valuable. I will share with you why we default to using other types of communication other than being clear and direct when it comes to saying what we need and what I will also walk you through five steps. That you can take today to be more assertive. Now why is it so hard to assert our needs?
How can we say no without feeling bad about it? And what can we do to make saying no easier? These questions and more are what we will tackle in today's show. This is Moms Without Capes.
being assertive is hard for super moms. When someone asks you to do something, [00:02:00] do you say yes. When you really want to say no? Are there things on your to-do list that you regret saying yes to, have you ever felt resentful doing something for someone because you really don't have the time or energy for it? If the answer is yes, then you'll want to tune into this episode where we'll be diving into why we so easily put others' needs above our own. Welcome to moms with that keeps the podcast where you'll get practical strategies for reclaiming your sense of identity within motherhood. I'm ADI, Michelle ski.
And my goal is to help you prioritize your needs and carve out space for yourself. So that you can discover who you are beyond your role as a mom. As a mom who wanted to go to a Zumba class, but for the longest time, couldn't figure out how to get past the piles of dishes and loads of laundry. To do something that didn't revolve around my family.
I'm here to tell you I figured it out. We moms need to get ourselves on our to-do list and we need to do things that we enjoy and that are good for us. I've discovered [00:03:00] that this is the key to not losing ourselves in motherhood. Over the years of raising half a dozen kiddos. I've learned how to competently hang up my supermom Cape. And now I want to help you do the same. This episode is a popular one that I know you'll find valuable. I will share with you why we default to using other types of communication other than being clear and direct when it comes to saying what we need and want.
I'll also walk you through five steps that you can take to be more assertive. Why is it so hard to assert our needs? How can we say no without feeling bad about it? What can we do to make saying note easier, these questions and more are what we will tackle in today's show. This is moms Without Capes. Asserting your needs can be hard. it involves self awareness and knowing what it is that you want.
As super moms, you're so focused on what everyone else needs and wants your family, your friends, your coworkers, for you to [00:04:00] stop and think and ask yourself, is this something that I really want? It's a struggle, right?
when I went on my mom cation about a month and a half ago,1 of the things that I found was the most freeing about it was the fact that I had nobody else to be responsible for. So, when I woke up, I was like, what do I want to eat?
What do I want to do today? that's something that when you're in the midst of, Mothering and going about your daily routines, you most likely don't stop to ask yourself what it is that I want, because you're so worried about what everyone else wants and making sure that their needs are met.
in order to increase your ability to be assertive, you've got to ask yourself what it is that I need. What is it that I want?
So, before we dive into assertiveness, I want to 1st differentiate. That style of communication from other forms of communication as it pertains to expressing our [00:05:00] needs or , telling people what you want, telling people what you don't want
so, 1st passive and this is where you don't speak up , you struggle with expressing your needs, even telling your spouse Or your kids your loved ones and your friends, what it is you need or want. And this can lead to saying yes to things that you don't want to do. That can lead to a lot of resentment. Because you become almost like a doormat.
you're so worried about everyone else that you don't take time to look at your own needs and wants. It can also leave you feeling underappreciated. , if you often feel like nobody appreciates what you're doing, you're working double time, you're taking care of everything.
And nobody ever says, thank you. Like nobody ever gives you that gold star. And you're constantly feeling underappreciated. It may be because you Communicate more in a passive way rather than in an assertive [00:06:00] way. Some of you may struggle with being assertive because you confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness and aggressiveness is really like a harsh or demanding way of expressing your needs.
It can come across as abrasive and even border on being hostile. I used to struggle with this so much, growing up. And I feel like this had a lot to do with self esteem we talk a lot about recognizing your own worth and knowing that you are worthy of focusing on.
And all of that plays a role here. And when you are sure of yourself, when you feel good about yourself, and you like who you are. You tend to be more assertive, but if you're confusing assertiveness with aggressiveness, then you likely will communicate more passive because you don't want to come across as being hostile or being. Demanding, so you may tend to go towards that passive mode of [00:07:00] communication, passive, aggressive communication. Is instead of openly confronting an issue. Or expressing your needs, you kind of skirt around the issue, or you hint around the issue in a way that could be confusing.
For the other person, you're not just coming out and expressing in a clear and direct manner. And then finally manipulative. style of communication means that you are attempting to get your needs met by making others feel sorry or guilty towards you.
This is if you're playing the martyr or the victim, and this is not a healthy way to communicate your needs and express them and get them met at all. So assertiveness, fortunately is a skill and it does take practice just like any skill, but today I'm going to walk you through five ways.
That you can start increasing your assertiveness and getting more comfortable with being assertive.
So, the 1st, [00:08:00] 1 is to develop your nonverbal assertive behaviors. For example, learn how to make eye contact. It takes work to make eye contact and to feel comfortable looking at someone in the eyes. This is culture specific as well. For some cultures, it's considered rude to look at somebody in the eye. . When you are expressing your needs or when you're talking to someone, then this is something that , you need to learn there's a way to stand or sit with somebody where you are open and you're connecting with them versus being all closed off.
And . Being able to remain calm, like taking some deep breaths, not seeming like you're all hyped up or talking really fast or doing anything that's going to portray a different message than what you would like to portray. Recognizing that your needs are as important as anyone else's. I talk a lot about, prioritizing yourself, putting yourself on your to do list. I don't mean that you're going to put everyone else on the back [00:09:00] burner, or you're not going to take care of everyone else. I mean, you need to recognize that you are as important as everyone else that you're taking care of. Thirdly, become aware of your unique feelings, needs, and wants. This is where self awareness comes many super moms, because you're so involved with doing everything for everyone else and taking care of everyone and everything else, you lose yourself in the process.
one of the parts of being able to communicate your needs. is being able to first identify what it is that you need and want. That only comes with being more aware of yourself and knowing who you are. It is a practice. Practice first by writing it down, if somebody requests something of you, make time to put pen to paper and write out your response to a request before you say anything out loud, give yourself [00:10:00] space. , there's nothing wrong with saying, Let me sleep on it.
I'll get back to you tomorrow. That'll give you time to come up with what is it that you need? Is that request infringing on your own needs and wants? That way you will be able to have some time to be able to formulate a response and come back to that person in an assertive way. Versus an aggressive passive, aggressive, or manipulative way. Once you write them out, practice them with loved ones, practice them with your safe people, those people in your support system that you feel comfortable with, be it a child, your spouse, your sister you know, somebody who's close to you. .
It just takes practice in order to get comfortable being assertive, and then the last one is just learning how to say no, when you say yes to everything, you're really saying no to yourself you don't have time to do everything, no matter how many.
time hacks you try and how organized you are. We all still have just 24 [00:11:00] hours in a day, 168 hours in a week. It Is so important to make sure that you are choosing , how you spend your time wisely, and that's going to be best for you and best for your family. I have a free resource.
Called. It's okay to say no. It walks you through some tips and strategies and some, ways to say no. I will go ahead and link to that in the show notes of today's episode. If you struggle to say no. This resource will help you get more comfortable with doing so, keep in mind when you do want to say no to something, acknowledge the other person's request by repeating it, right? This lets them know that they are heard, validates the request, and it also makes sure that you are clear as to what that request is.
Explain your reasoning. For declining it, but do not over explain you don't need to go on an entire lengthy explanation to explain why it is that you can't [00:12:00] follow through on the request. Then just say no. My resource actually includes different ways to say no.
And you can find which one. feels most comfortable to you. And then finally, if it's appropriate, offer an alternative where both yours and that other person's needs can be met, help them problem solve and say, Hey, , I can't do it tomorrow, but I could do it on Wednesday, or you might want to ask so and so whatever the solution that you can come up with.
To help them solve their problem. That way, you both leave that interaction feeling good., So let's recap. The five ways you can be more assertive and get your needs met. One develop your nonverbal behavior, such as taking a deeper breath to calm your nerves. Using eye contact and holding an open posture. Two. Shift your belief and recognize that your needs are as important as others. You are equal and where the member of your family [00:13:00] and your needs are too. Third become self-aware do regular check-ins with yourself to become familiar with your own thoughts, emotions, and needs. For practice saying no. If you're not used to saying no to others requests. Go back to the basics. And be patient with yourself. Right at your answer and practice what you want to say, as you say it we're often you will strengthen your assertiveness muscle. And finally five. Problem solved with the other person possible solutions to their request.
This allows the other person to still find a solution while letting you off the hook for fulfilling the request. Be sure to grab the free resource. I mentioned to help you get comfortable with saying no. And remember that every time you say yes to a request from others, you are saying no to something else.
Don't let that something else be your own needs all the time. Thanks for tuning in to today's episode [00:14:00] of moms with at cakes, check out the show notes for the link to the resource. And until next time, take care of yourself, you are worth it.
